Sorry to have caused a ruckus. While causing a ruckus is usually my grand delight, I didn't intend to cause one like this. I appreciate all the concern, but if I ever decide to off myself it won't be publicized nearly as much as such simple heartbreak. That day is not today, and likely not for a while. Something has changed, though, my friends.
I have lived my life trying to do what is right. My father instilled in me the tenets of this basic chivalry, and I was led to believe it would lead to righteous ends and a better existence. I furthered this concept and added to these tenets by creating more, perhaps when creating them filling in gaps I felt were unaddressed. Concepts of honor and fury were addressed, and basic behaviors in specific situations. Cherry-picked from a multitude of disciplines I formed a unique 'new Bushido' which I have tried to follow the best I can for more than a decade. By swearing oaths to something of this sort, I sought to prevent the mistakes of my youth, and to avoid things which I felt led me to some of my less honorable moments of life. Indeed, the basic tenet is to hold the world in highest regard, and to do that which is best for society as a whole. I don't think it worked.
I'd like to think that while sometimes failing in minor aspects, I learned from my mistakes and strengthened my resolve to uphold the major ones. I'd like to think that. I'd also like to think that I could give this code up and live a somewhat 'normal' life. But that shit just hasn't been true. I had always thought there was only one scenario where this code will no longer apply, and on that day, the world would fall to second on my list of priorities. You see, my friends, this code is a warrior's code, and while my whole life I have sought peace, and even achieved inner peace, this world still demanded war. Every knife in the floor I threw, every line in the sand I drew, every argument I started, and every person I called out, I did so because I felt that it was right to protect my community, my friends, and my world. I've been accused of many things relating to my ego, and I hope that someday people will understand that for all the trouble I caused, I believed I was doing good and doing battle with what amounted to various levels of evil. I thought myself the world's warrior, in addition to being the champion for my friends and loved ones. Putting this sword down will be difficult and will take time to fully let go, but that time has come. It is perhaps time for things to stand or fall on their own without the misconception that one man could stand against a world of adversity. My pattern of being so histrionic can only go so far.
I shared a secret last that I will not share here. It is my own, not one I was bound to hold. In sharing it, for the first time I began to think on it and began to see how events related to it reverberated through my life. Looking back farther, I began to see that what I thought was a series of odd coincidence was really a subconscious resonance buried deep within myself for a failure long forgotten, and never atoned for. To my skeptic friends, call it confirmation bias if you must, insist that I am choosing to see only the things which relate to this topic, but there is meaning there. There must be. I can't prove it and thus I cannot claim it as fact. It is not falsifiable, so therefore it is scientifically untestable. My friends, for the first time in years, I have faith in something--a belief. And the most frightening thing is that I had it all along and disregarded it. It's a belief that I must keep in myself and hold dearer than any code.
This realization of belief comes too late, I fear. With that, comes the understanding that I may never achieve the peace I believed I would. Thus with these two realizations, I am left with a strange choice.
I could continue along this path, ever steady as this quixotic knight that some see as a villain. I would ensure that my war with the undefeatable injustices of the world continue to my dying day. But I would never defeat these injustices, possibly protect no one, maybe harm people in the process, and lose friends over a sometimes irrational honor code best kept in the historical periods it came from. Dogmatic belief and fundamental resiliency in all forms leads to ruin, even if the source material is created for good.
"Lay down arms" Renounce this cruelly restrictive code and possibly still miss out on peace, though allowing things to come to pass on their own. With this, I would helplessly be watching as people I once protected are consumed by things otherwise kept away by my being what one friend referred to as a 'curmudgeon'. I refer to this as the 'Red Kryptonian Sunlight' transformation. I think this best. There is, after all, no General Zod to be afraid of. Fear has controlled the ones who walked my path, not honor. Doing this gives me the chance for peace, however faint, however distant, however unlikely. But sometimes a candle in the darkness is all we have left to see by.
Spoken that way, my friends, you see there is no choice at all. It is irresponsible to continue as what I have been. I can no longer live an honorable life with this discipline. It is too painful to allow to continue, and may have cost me the greatest thing I had ever dared to hope for--peace. A life of peace.
I've long been the one who is counted on to say what everyone else is thinking. Well, now you're going to need to say it on your own. I used to say, "May the bridges I burn light the way." It hasSUCH a different meaning to me now. Forgive me.
I'm not Rorschach. I'm the Comedian. And I'm retired.
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